Breaking Cycles: Parenting Our Children Differently Than How We Were Raised

If you grew up Black, you probably heard phrases like, “Because I said so,” or “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.” Maybe you were told that what happens in this house stays in this house. For many of us, survival and respectability politics shaped our childhoods. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew — often trying to protect us from a world that never gave us the benefit of the doubt.

But now, we’re grown. Many of us have our own kids. And a lot of us are asking: What does it look like to break those cycles — with love, not shame?

Understanding Where We Come From

Before we can parent differently, we have to understand the roots. Black parents have historically parented under the weight of systemic racism, poverty, and constant threat — from the plantation to Jim Crow to today’s racial inequities. Harsh discipline was sometimes seen as necessary for survival.

It wasn’t about being mean for the sake of it. It was about keeping us alive. Don’t talk back to authority. Keep your head down. Don’t embarrass me in public. There was love in it — but also fear. And that fear became generational.

Giving Ourselves Permission to Grow

When I think about my childhood, I see both the strength and the hurt. So many of us grew up without spaces to express our emotions. “Softness” wasn’t an option when our parents didn’t feel safe in the world themselves. But we’re beginning to learn: we don’t have to pass that same fear down.

Breaking the cycle doesn’t mean throwing away our culture or our respect for elders — it means redefining what respect looks like. It means asking: What did I need as a child that I didn’t get? And How can I give that to my kids?

What Parenting Differently Can Look Like

Validating feelings: Instead of saying, “Stop crying,” we can say, “It’s okay to feel sad. I’m here with you.”

Being open: Talking about emotions, therapy, and mental health — even when it feels uncomfortable.

Gentle discipline: Setting boundaries with understanding, not fear.

Apologizing: Owning our mistakes. Our kids deserve to see us as humans, not untouchable authority figures.

Encouraging independence: Letting our kids have a voice, ask questions, and disagree respectfully.

It’s Not Always Easy

Choosing to parent differently takes intention — and grace. Sometimes you’ll catch yourself repeating old patterns. You might hear your mama’s voice come out of your mouth. And that’s okay. Change is a practice, not perfection.

You might also face judgment. Family members might say you’re being “too soft” or “letting them get away with too much.” But remember: you are the parent now. You get to decide what love and discipline look like in your home.

Healing Ourselves While We Heal Them

One thing I know for sure: breaking cycles isn’t just about our kids — it’s about us, too. As we choose to parent differently, we’re re-parenting ourselves. We’re learning that our feelings matter. That we deserve softness, too.

We get to give our children what we didn’t have — and in doing so, we get a taste of it for ourselves.

Keep Going, Keep Growing

To my Black parents, caretakers, aunties, uncles, and big cousins — I see you. I know how heavy the past can feel. But I also see your power. Our babies deserve joy, freedom, and love without fear. And so do you.

Here’s to parenting with intention. Here’s to softness and strength. Here’s to breaking the cycles that don’t serve us anymore — and building something new, rooted in love.